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+--- Thread: Humour (/showthread.php?tid=3080)
Humour - Lilith7 - 21-04-2024
Dave Allen on religion.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jxo81Ok9Urk
Billy Connolly, chasing wildebeeste
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wBInfo-Nk-8
RE: Humour - Lilith7 - 21-04-2024
Danny Bhoy
The sound of religion
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qBeRGPxChU0
RE: Humour - Lilith7 - 30-04-2024
Funny Vet signs, I like the Chihuahua one.
https://racooned.com/rcvetsigncopy/?utm_medium=694672933406&utm_source=googleads&utm_campaign=21121865682&utm_term=www.stuff.co.nz&utm_content=www.stuff.co.nz&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIqNqUis_ohQMVcTK3AB0ypgQsEAEYASAAEgLEtPD_BwE
"Cats can memorise 120 commands, but they don't want to."
RE: Humour - Lilith7 - 30-04-2024
How to Give a Cat A Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band- Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
RE: Humour - Lilith7 - 06-05-2024
Ed Byrne
2024 Melbourne comedy festival
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLqthTUhtvg
RE: Humour - Lilith7 - 10-05-2024
Dave Allen
Adam & Eve
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BGASvVqzOa0
RE: Humour - Lilith7 - 15-05-2024
Upstart Crow,best bits
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AG14YKyyb7A
RE: Humour - Lilith7 - 22-05-2024
Dave Allen,Teach your kid time.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0QVPUIRGthI
Dave Allen, teenagers & statistics
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YaniDDM07H8
RE: Humour - Lilith7 - 24-05-2024
Stumbled across this:
A pun walks into a bar, & ten people die.
Pun in, ten dead.
Yes..I know, unable to resist.
RE: Humour - Lilith7 - 25-05-2024
Ed Byrne
Melbourne comedy festival
4.38
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLqthTUhtvg
RE: Humour - Lilith7 - 06-06-2024
Danny Bhoy
The sound of religion
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qBeRGPxChU0
Danny Bhoy
National symbols
How Scotland got the thistle...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c2U5lA49eEo
RE: Humour - Lilith7 - 23-07-2024
Danny Bhoy
A visitor's guide to Scotland
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uFubsxHTApw
RE: Humour - Lilith7 - 25-07-2024
Danny Bhoy
Subject to change, pub politics
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yyuKuIts6Nc
RE: Humour - Lilith7 - 28-07-2024
Billy Connolly
Bagpiper at party
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P6wz6tb7mjM
RE: Humour - Khalin - 02-08-2024
Any Eric Andre show!!
RE: Humour - Lilith7 - 02-08-2024
Victor Borge
Punctuation
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TIf3IfHCoiE
RE: Humour - Lilith7 - 09-08-2024
Danny Bhoy
Scottish breakfast
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=63jKvxOfbeM
RE: Humour - Lilith7 - 16-08-2024
Danny Bhoy
just for laughs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KJaB9iBP1is
RE: Humour - Lilith7 - 18-08-2024
Danny Bhoy
How to run away from crocodiles
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fi-BQRZjcYU
RE: Humour - Lilith7 - 26-08-2024
Joyce Grenfell
Don't do that George
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=52_VCxM1FmQ