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[Lilith7]

What Every Woman Should Know About Men

Everyone knows that testosterone, the so-called male hormone, is found
in both men and women.
What is not so well known is that men have an
overdose.

Until now it has been thought that the level of testosterone in men is
normal simply because they have it. But if you consider how abnormal
their BEHAVIOR is, then you are led to the hypothesis that almost all
men are suffering from TESTOSTERONE POISONING.

The symptoms are easy to spot. Suffers are reported to show an early
preference (while still in the crib) for geometric shapes. Later, they
become obsessed with machinery and objects to the exclusion of human
values. They have intense need to rank everything, and are obsessed
with size. (At some point in his life, nearly every male measures his
penis.)

It is well known that men don't look like other people. They have
chicken legs. This is symptomatic of the disease, as is the fact that
those men with the most aviary underpinnings will rank women according
to the shapeliness of THEIR legs.

The pathological violence of most men hardly needs to be mentioned.
They are responsible for more wars than any other leading sex.
Testosterone poisoning is particularly cruel because its sufferers
usually don't know they have it. In fact, when they are most under its
sway they believe that they are at their healthiest and most
attractive. They even give each other medals for exhibiting the most
advanced symptoms of the illness.

But there is hope.
Sufferers can change (even though it is harder than learning to walk
again). They must first realize, however, that they are sick. The
fact that this condition is inherited in the same way that dimples are
does not make it cute.

Eventually, of course, telethons and articles in the READER'S DIGEST
will dramatize the tragedy of testosterone poisoning. In the meantime
it is imperative for your friends and loved ones to become familiar
with the danger signs.

Have the men you know take this simple test for -

The Seven Warning Signs of Testosterone Poisoning

1. DO YOU HAVE AN INTENSE NEED TO WIN? When having sex, do you take
pride in always finishing before your partner? Do you always ask if
this time was "the best" - and gnaw on the bedpost if you get an
ambiguous answer?

2. DOES VIOLENCE PLAY A BIG PART IN YOUR LIFE? Before you answer,
count up how many hours you watched football, ice hockey, and
children's cartoons this year on television. When someone crosses
you, do you wish you could stuff his face full of your fist? Do you
ever poke people in your fantasies or throw them to and fro at all?
When someone cuts you off in traffic, do violent, angry curses come
bubbling out of your mouth before you know it? If so, you're in big
trouble, fella, and this is only question number two.

3. ARE YOU "THING" ORIENTED? Do you value the parts of a woman's
body more than the woman herself? Are you turned on by things that
even REMIND you of those parts? Have you ever fallen in love with a
really great doorknob?

4. DO YOU HAVE AN INTENSE NEED TO REDUCE EVERY DIFFICULT SITUATION
TO CHARTS AND FIGURES? If you were present at a riot, would you tend
to count the crowd? If your wife is despondent and that has left her
feeling helpless, do you take her temperature?

5. DO YOU TEND TO MEASURE THINGS THAT ARE REALLY QUALITATIVE? Are
you more impressed with how high a male ballet dancer can leap that
with what he does while he's up there? Are you more concerned with how
long you can spend in bed, and with how many orgasms you can have, than
you are with how you or your partner feels while you're there?

6. ARE YOU A LITTLE TOO MECHANICALLY MINDED? Would you like to
watch a sunset with a friend and feel at one with nature and each
other, or would you rather take apart a clock?

7. ARE YOU EASILY TRIGGERED INTO COMPETITION? When someone tries to
pass you on the highway, do you speed up a little? Do you find
yourself getting into contests of crushing beer cans -- with the beer
still in them?

If you've answered yes to three or fewer of the above questions, you
may be learning to deal with your condition. A man answering yes to
more than three is considered sick and not someone you'd want to have
around in a crisis -- such as raising children or growing old together. Anyone answering yes to all seven of the questions should
seek help in a high-wire act.


What To Do If You Suffer From Testosterone Poisoning


1. DON'T PANIC. Your first reaction may be that you are sicker than
anyone else -- or that you are the one man in the world able to fight
it off -- or, knowing that you are a sufferer, that you are the one man
ordained to lead others to health (such as by writing articles about
it). These are all symptoms of the disease. Just relax. First, sit
back and enjoy yourself. Then find out how to enjoy somebody else.

2. TRY TO FEEL SOMETHING. (Not with your hands, you oaf.) Look at a
baby and see if you can appreciate it. (Not how BIG it's getting, just
how nice she or he is.) See if you can get yourself to cry by some
means other than getting hit in the eye or losing a lot of money.

3. SEE IF YOU CAN LISTEN WHILE SOMEONE IS TALKING. Were you the one
talking? Perhaps you haven't got the idea yet.

4. PRACTICE THIS SENTENCE: "You know, I think you're right and I'm
wrong." (Hint: it is useful to know what the other person thinks
before you say this.)


For Women Only:
What To Do If You Are Living With a Sufferer


1. Remember that a little sympathy is a dangerous thing. The
sufferer will be inclined to interpret any concern for him as
appropriate submissiveness.

2. Let him know that you expect him to fight his way back to health
and behave like a normal person -- for his own sake, not for yours.

3. Only after he begins to get his condition under control and has
actually begun to enjoy life should you let him know that there is no
such thing as testosterone poisoning.

Alan Alda, 1975