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Jokes and Funnies...
#61
   
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#62
Time for some new jokes...

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbour and says "please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbour asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbour decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh,
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

2 guys walk into a bar. "Hey donkey get the beers in" shouts one guy to the other.

The barman says to the guy "That's a bit mean, why does he call you donkey?" and the man replies "It's OK, He aw... he aw.. he always calls me that"

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it...
Long

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate.

He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
Be the kind of woman, that when your feet hit the floor each morning, the devil goes "oh crap, she's up".
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#63
(19-12-2021, 05:38 PM)crafters_corner Wrote:
(19-12-2021, 03:54 PM)Zurdo Wrote: [Image: fg7p0b4ucae8fj2-jpeg.3348462]
I still haven't quite mastered adding a pic, and it seems, I'm not the only one. Smile
Posting the file name of the pic, (or anything else), will result in the file name of that file being posted lol.  You need to have the   Pic, (or whatever), stored on the internet somewhere and then you copy the address of it, (from the addy bar at the top of your web page where it's displayed), and paste that .  That'll give you the picture HERE........

For example if you post this:

gradient-cartoon-doodle-picture-frame-creative-illustrated-147688760.jpg

that's all you get but if you post this:

https://thumbs.dreamstime.com/z/gradient...688760.jpg

You get  the picture............but you have to click the link to see it..........

You can also do 'insert an image' from the 'fuill edit' tool bar at the top of this box you're typing into...............

[Image: gradient-cartoon-doodle-picture-frame-cr...688760.jpg]
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#64
[Image: ?d=t&mt=login]    

Nup, still can't do it.

[img]www.istockphoto.com/photo/how-does-this-thing-work-gm857350214-141355061[/img]
Be the kind of woman, that when your feet hit the floor each morning, the devil goes "oh crap, she's up".
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#65
www.istockphoto.com/photo/how-does-this-thing-work-gm857350214-141355061

Yeah thats odd it worked for me before.......hmm.......
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#66
Hair removal 101 ...God love the woman who shared this,,,,,,,

All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home fix dinner, played with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: Maybe I should pull the wax out of the medicine cabinet. So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand and then they get warm and you peel them apart press it to your leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean I'm no girly girl but I am mechanically inclined enough that I can figure it out. *YA THINK!!!*

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax my rear end (Oh how this phrase haunts me!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. OK so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-ra, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure I apply the was strip across the right side of bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself.
RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!...OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of the strip. S&%T!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP. Everything is swirly and spotted. Do I hear crashing drums??? OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - A wax covered strip with my hairy pelt, that has caused me so much pain, sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair.

WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair..The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. S&%T I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...................remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet. I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DAMN!!!!!!!!
I hear the slamming of the cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut. Butt?? Sealed shut.


I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off" Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than then that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse that having your nether businesses glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub. In scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!! God bless the man that convinced me I should have a phone in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend thinking surely she's waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter "So, my butt and who-ha are stuck to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't have a secret trick but does try to hide the laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located on bottom "Are we talking cheeks or hole or what?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies, covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I slip into glazed donut land.
My friend is still talking with me and my hand reaches towards the saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point. I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids, scared the dickens out of my friend, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!! I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair..................................

THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......................ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
So I shaved it off. Heck, I'm numb at this point. Next week I'm going to try hair color......
in order to be old & wise, you must first be young & stupid. (I'm still working on that.)
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#67
lol
oh, the pain, the pain.
The indignity.
The pain. THE FKING PAIN!!!!
Be the kind of woman, that when your feet hit the floor each morning, the devil goes "oh crap, she's up".
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#68
(02-01-2022, 06:47 PM)crafters_corner Wrote: lol
oh, the pain, the pain.
The indignity.
The pain. THE FKING PAIN!!!!

Hmmm the pain huh, you must know what your talking about?
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#69
Mrs. Rosentein is walking her poodle down 5th Avenue, when she ran into her good friend Gladys Goldberg
Long

"Gladys! It's been so long since I've last seen you, where have you been?"

"Oh, Blanche, Ira and I went on safari in Africa, and let me tell you, it was horrible!"

"Horrible? How was it horrible?"

"Well, first, Ira lost our tickets, so we had to fly coach all the way from New York to Africa! You know how I hate to fly, and to be stuck in those tiny seats, next to screaming babies the whole way!"

"Oh, that's awful!"

"But it gets worse! After we arrive at the airport, they pick us up in an old jeep that's falling apart, and it totally ruins my hair and makeup! I had a beautiful little safari outfit ready, but it was ruined!"

"Oh that's terrible!"

"Believe me, It get's worse! When we get to the safari camp, there's no cabins available, and we're expected to erect our own tents. After some fussing about, we finally get the tent erected, but Ira forgot the mosquito netting, so we got positively eaten alive by gigantic Nile mosquitos!"

"I can't even! That's terrifying!"

"But it get's worse! The next morning, we wake up, and eat a terrible breakfast of cold eggs and beans, then head off for our first day of the tour. We no sooner get into the darkest part of the jungle when the driver hits a rock and breaks the axle on his jeep, leaving us stranded!"

"Oh my goodness!"

"Oh, but it gets worse! Ira, being the bullheaded bastard he is, sets off back toward the camp, dragging me along, because I was not going to be left alone with a group of strangers. No sooner do we get a mile down the path when we're set upon by a tribe a of huge, horrible apes! Ira tries to defend me, but he's killed instantly!"

"You lost your dear Ira! This is the worst story I've ever heard!"

"Believe it or not, it gets worse! You see, the biggest ape took me into his personal harem, and he then began a months long campaign of ravaging me on a daily basis. He turned me into his literal sex slave, until he was through with me, and sent me back into civilization, naked and battered."

"Oh God! I can't imagine anything worse!"

"But it gets worse..." she said barely audible above the deep sobs which wracked her body.

"How could it possibly be worse than that?"

"He doesn't write! He doesn't call!"
Be the kind of woman, that when your feet hit the floor each morning, the devil goes "oh crap, she's up".
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#70
Q. What did one butt cheek say to the other? 
A. Together, we can stop this shit.
Q. What kind of Bees produce milk? 
A. Boobees
Q. What did the penis say to the condom? 
A. Cover me, I’m going in
Q. What goes in hard and dry then comes out wet and soft? 
A. Chewing gum
Q. What do you do with a year’s worth of used condoms? 
A. Melt them into a tire and call it a goodyear.
Q. What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave? 
A. Thanks for coming!
Q. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? 
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
Q. How is a boyfriend/girlfriend like a laxative? 
A. They both irritate the shit out of you.
Q. What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom? 
A. Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.
Q. What did the penis say to the vagina? A. Don’t make me come in there!
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