02-12-2021, 03:02 PM
Funniest Quarantine Jokes
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because the chicken behind it didn’t know how to socially distance properly.
Two grandmothers were bragging about their precious darlings. One of them says to the other, “Mine are so good at social distancing, they won’t even call me.”
Who’s idea was it to sing “Happy Birthday” while washing your hands? Now every time I go to the bathroom, my kids expect me to walk out with a cake.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.” Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Ran out of toilet paper and started using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.
My mom always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything by lying in bed all day. But look at me now, ma! I’m saving the world!
After years of wanting to thoroughly clean my house but lacking the time, this week I discovered that wasn’t the reason.
If I keep stress-eating at this level, the buttons on my shirt will start socially distancing from each other.
Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
Yesterday I ran out of soap and body wash and all I could find was dish detergent. Then it Dawned on me.
Being quarantined with a talkative child is like having an insane parrot glued to your shoulder.
I never thought the comment “I wouldn’t touch them with a 6-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!
The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
Since we’re all in quarantine I guess we’ll be making only inside jokes from now on.
I’m not talking to myself, I’m having a parent-teacher conference.
This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog — we laughed a lot.
Nothing like relaxing on the couch after a long day of being tense on the couch.
Pollen still coming out during a global pandemic? Read the room!
Knock-knock! Who is there? Seriously, don’t touch my door and step back 6 feet.
Day 121 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture!”
If you bought 144 rolls of toilet paper in preparation for a 14-day quarantine, you probably should have been seeing a doctor long before coronavirus.
How did the health experts lie? They said a mask and gloves was enough to go to the grocery store. When I got there, everyone else had clothes on.
Quarantine has really put a damper on comedy. For months nobody has walked into a bar.
Did you hear about the guy speculating on hand sanitizer? He was rubbing his hands together.
I thought you had to wear a mask when entering businesses. They kept yelling at me to put on some pants.
I’ve gained so much weight during lockdown my bathroom scale is telling me that it can only weigh one person at a time
How do you socially distance while around family? A high-fiber diet.
What’s the difference between COVID and politics? Politics doesn’t end after two weeks.
How does COVID travel? The Batmobile.
What did one novel coronavirus say to the other? “Oh, the places you’ll see.”
What’s the best part of teaching your children at home? You can’t be fired for drinking on the job.
What did the single guy say to the single woman during lockdown? “If COVID doesn’t take you out, can I?”
What do you call staging a beer in every room of the house? A pub crawl.
What do you call someone whose life didn’t change after quarantine? An introvert.
Lockdown means you get to decide each day what outfit you’ll wear in your livingroom.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because the chicken behind it didn’t know how to socially distance properly.
Two grandmothers were bragging about their precious darlings. One of them says to the other, “Mine are so good at social distancing, they won’t even call me.”
Who’s idea was it to sing “Happy Birthday” while washing your hands? Now every time I go to the bathroom, my kids expect me to walk out with a cake.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.” Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Ran out of toilet paper and started using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.
My mom always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything by lying in bed all day. But look at me now, ma! I’m saving the world!
After years of wanting to thoroughly clean my house but lacking the time, this week I discovered that wasn’t the reason.
If I keep stress-eating at this level, the buttons on my shirt will start socially distancing from each other.
Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
Yesterday I ran out of soap and body wash and all I could find was dish detergent. Then it Dawned on me.
Being quarantined with a talkative child is like having an insane parrot glued to your shoulder.
I never thought the comment “I wouldn’t touch them with a 6-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!
The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
Since we’re all in quarantine I guess we’ll be making only inside jokes from now on.
I’m not talking to myself, I’m having a parent-teacher conference.
This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog — we laughed a lot.
Nothing like relaxing on the couch after a long day of being tense on the couch.
Pollen still coming out during a global pandemic? Read the room!
Knock-knock! Who is there? Seriously, don’t touch my door and step back 6 feet.
Day 121 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture!”
If you bought 144 rolls of toilet paper in preparation for a 14-day quarantine, you probably should have been seeing a doctor long before coronavirus.
How did the health experts lie? They said a mask and gloves was enough to go to the grocery store. When I got there, everyone else had clothes on.
Quarantine has really put a damper on comedy. For months nobody has walked into a bar.
Did you hear about the guy speculating on hand sanitizer? He was rubbing his hands together.
I thought you had to wear a mask when entering businesses. They kept yelling at me to put on some pants.
I’ve gained so much weight during lockdown my bathroom scale is telling me that it can only weigh one person at a time
How do you socially distance while around family? A high-fiber diet.
What’s the difference between COVID and politics? Politics doesn’t end after two weeks.
How does COVID travel? The Batmobile.
What did one novel coronavirus say to the other? “Oh, the places you’ll see.”
What’s the best part of teaching your children at home? You can’t be fired for drinking on the job.
What did the single guy say to the single woman during lockdown? “If COVID doesn’t take you out, can I?”
What do you call staging a beer in every room of the house? A pub crawl.
What do you call someone whose life didn’t change after quarantine? An introvert.
Lockdown means you get to decide each day what outfit you’ll wear in your livingroom.